Amazon brings the lulz

If you're looking for lazy masturbation, just go for the Hitachi Magic Wand and forget about this toy.

- Source.

The Magic Banana

Responding to a comment from someone who's never been able to find her g-spot: I highly recommend the Magic Banana! It will find your g-spot, even if you can't! Seriously, this thing's amazing.

Before discovering the Magic Banana, I only seldomly hit my g-spot with a long, hard vibrator that I used. Once I tried this quizzical-looking device out, though, WOW! It hits it directly and consistently, every time.

The Banana is actually yellow rope encased in clear plastic, doubled over and curved to look like a banana. It looks bizarre, truly. On the plus side, if people every find it you'd probably be able to convince them it's a strange jar opener from Sweden, or something. Just take it away from them before they start trying to use it on your jar of mustard pickles.

I bought a Magic Banana for a friend a few years ago. Looking at the website, she was sceptical. She pretty much told me she thought it looked like bullshit, but she'd try it out if I really wanted to send it to her. We didn't talk about it for a few months, and then one day I remembered to ask what she thought about it. Her reaction was a very abbreviated, "Um, wow. I never would have thought it could do that." Another satisfied customer.

To my knowledge, the device isn't well-known outside of Kingston, Ontario (where the creator lives). More information about the Magic Banana is in this news article. Also important: if you want to share this product with a friend but they aren't comfortable with the masturbation angle, the same product is sold as a medical aid in kegel exercises. At the same time, you masturbation lovers, it will strengthen your kegel muscles and help with all-around vaginal health!

So before you go on about how I have such an easy time climaxing and such... check out this product, because I'm sure you can too!

In time to the beat

I’m back. Last month I got some new readers and I’d planned to invite a bunch of friends to start reading, and I think I scared myself. Which makes sense. I’m being very open and raw here, and partly I feel empowered and unashamed, but partly I feel horrified and nervous. But that’s okay. I think I’ve had my time in hibernation and I’m ready to come out again.

My roommate was gone for most of today, and I knew it was a great opportunity to get down and dirty (and, my favourite part, loud) before she got back. Thankfully this has become a habit – her leaving all day each Saturday – since normally we’re both home at the same time, and ... that’s awkward. Made more awkward because she’s actually said to me (re: partner sex) that it’s rude for someone to be loud enough that a roommate hears, that a person can have all the (partner) sex in their room that they want, as long as they’re quiet.

Well, hearing that back when we first moved in kind of concerned me. I can be quiet, I suppose, but loudness is directly related to pleasure for me. Maybe it sounds strange, but I think there’s a link between physically and vocally “letting go.” It’s hard to relax as much as you want to when you’re chanting in your head: “Don’t be loud. Don’t be loud. OMG did she hear that? Crap.” The effort and mental space you devote to that task directly affects the attention you pay to your body, and the physical rewards you receive.

Which is all to say: If I know she’s going to be out all day? Party time!

One thing I remembered this time (while blaring the radio to cover any stray noises for the neighbours, or in case she came home sooner than anticipated) was that I can match my orgasms to the beat of the music I’m listening to. I first noticed this a few years ago.

I was living in University residence and at that time I regularly employed music to cover up any sounds I made. I figured, it’s residence, there’s not going to really be any time when you can be certain the halls and rooms are empty, so you may as well blare music (like everyone else) and hope that takes care of any moans.

I even made a tape (yes, old school, a cassette tape) mix of radio songs to use. CDs suck at noise-covering due to the inevitable silences between songs (“I was just about to climax! FUCK”), and the radio isn’t much better. Climaxing while listening to an advertisement for winter tires? Not hot.

On the tape there was as little dead space as I could manage, and all the songs were very loud and full of energy. (How annoying is it when the next song is a quiet ballad, thwarting your sound-muffling efforts?) I ended up falling in love with a lot of the songs, as I listened to them over and over again – and with each “listen,” different lyrics would stick out to me. It was almost like trancing out, or a transcendental religious experience, when I’d feel horrible and hate myself and be crying into my vibrator, and the lyrics “IT’S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT” would carry over to me, repeat rhythmically, and I’d let the words and pulse wash out over me, soothing me, calming me, comforting me.

The coolest part of listening to music while masturbating, though, is when your body and the music get in sync. When the climax of the song matches your climax, and the soothing calm afterwards reflects your own. Sometimes I notice my body eagerly cozying up to the beats. "Ooh!" it’ll say, “the fast beats are coming up!” And it’ll speed up to go in time with that. Sometimes my climaxes come earlier than I would have expected due to this. Or they’re sublimely drawn out, in a wash of soothing beats and rhythmic crashes.

Music is a perfect match for sexual activity. It engages the mind and invites the body, on top of providing the very real convenience of telling any passers-by you're just simply rocking out (with your cock out)!

Masturbation = better sex!

From GoodHousekeeping, one tip to help rekindle a woman's desire in sex is - you guessed it - masturbation!

Try self-stimulation to help loss of libido: "Women who are able to masturbate are more likely to be more satisfied with a partner and experience orgasm more consistently," says Koch. "It is a myth that if women enjoy masturbation, they won't want a partner — it's the reverse. You learn what feels good and you can express that to your partner, and guide your partner."

- Patricia Koch, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Biobehavioral Health & Women's Studies at Pennsylvania State University and Adjunct Professor of Human Sexuality at Widener University

When the vibrator dies

Hated is the moment your vibrator dies. It always happens, of course, when you're incredibly horny, your roommate has left the apartment for a few hours, and a few days have already gone by without getting yourself off. You grab your trusty vibe, insert the battery, and turn it on.

Except it doesn't turn on. Must be the batteries. Grab a new one, and -- NOPE! The vibe is just dead. Dammit.

So you settle for using the vibe without the batteries (because you can't get off just by fingers alone, you see). You keep wanting to turn it on, laugh to yourself, and decide to pretend you're backpacking Europe again, stealing a precious moment here and there where quiet is of the upmost importance.

You're sore. A vibrator without the usual buzz is merely a lump of plastic, though smooth and conveniently shaped. Rubbing against your clit isn't as satisfying as usual, and it takes a lot more work on your part. Your arm is sore, as your wrist is a lot more active than usual.

You're impatient. You're certainly not lying here like this for any longer than you have to, and hope that climax comes soon. The excitement dies, as this is a mere biological rub-off to make you feel better, nothing approaching the otherworldliness a working vibe can take you to.

Sigh. Rub. Repeat.

After a couple of (long, sore) minutes, you finally feel a spark of excitement. Your body tenses nicely, you feel warm. It's easier to set aside the discomfort and try to enjoy the moment. Thank god you climax quickly.

It comes. Your body convulses. Briefly, but enough. Not the best orgasm you've had this week, but it'll do. You feel more relaxed, though hardly satisfied.

But that's okay. The sex shop is just a mere 10 minute walk away. And you're already planning that particular shopping trip.

Mindblowing

I've been having the best orgasms lately. I think it's a combination of a few things:

- There's been a little more activity than usual on the dating front over the last month or so. I got hit on a few times on my vacation, and even kissed, and I came back home deciding that I want to start dating. That decision was instrumental for me. I've always been good at the "Well, I didn't want to do that anyway!" mode of thinking, which probably didn't do much in dislodging the "fuck you" sign I've apparently had glued to my forehead for years. And I have a date this weekend. *blushes*

- I have a little wee (monstrously growing) crush right now on someone I see every day. Someone I really can NOT date. But it's fun, thrilling, even if it's all just in my head. That's the body's largest sex organ, after all.

There has been absolutely no physical changes (in my toys, techniques, positions), so this upswing is most definitely centred in my mind.

How cool is that? Mental health has a qualitative affect on masturbation, and vice versa.

Help! I broke my clit.

The problem with female masturbation, as I've mentioned before, is how little dialogue there is on the subject. Take this story as an example. It's about the risks of unusual masturbation methods and even talks about a medical condition (traumatic masturbatory syndrome). I got all excited before finding out that the scientific study the author cites focuses exclusively on men. The writer poses some questions about how this study might affect masturbators of the female persuasion, but I'm hesitant to apply male-specific research to women. As we all know, often studies that conclude one thing about the male physique will work completely differently when applied to women's bodies. It's important to have our own studies on our own bodies.

But in the meantime, let's go beyond posing questions and possibilities and offer up some personal experiences. Are there risks for women who masturbate in certain positions?

My favourite solitary sexual position is on my back - yes, basically the missionary position with my legs high in the air. That position didn't cause me any problem for a long time - but then I developed an injury from it. I was in a lot of pain - while masturbating as well as in my day-to-day life - for nearly a year, and it took another year for it to heal. I was okay to walk and do most things, but when it was at its worst, I couldn't lift my right leg higher than a few inches.

This happened most obviously one day when I was visiting my dad. The truck he had at the time was very high off the ground, and getting into the passenger seat, I literally could not pick my leg up high enough to pull it in. I had gotten myself on the seat with my left leg, but my right leg dangled out of the side of the truck, limp. I tried to pull it up a few times with my own muscles, but my leg would go up an inch or two and no more. My solution was to awkwardly use both my hands to pull my right leg into the truck.

This had looked very strange to my dad, I'm sure, so I decided to say something. Something very very vague. I told him I'd developed an injury from something and wasn't sure what to do about it. My dad suggested stopping the action that was causing the injury, and I just smiled inwardly - there are many things I would give up in order to have a happy, working body, but regular masturbation is certainly NOT one of them!

The changes I did make were to favour my left leg - let that one fly high in the air, and try to prop my right leg and hip up with pillows. Or let my right leg lay flat for most of my session (which can last from 10-60 minutes), just bringing it up for a couple of minutes at a time to help me achieve clitoral orgasm. (Yes, I really do need to be in that exact position - missionary with both legs in the air - to climax. It makes masturbation while travelling VERY complicated, let me tell you!)

That's really all I did, and it must have worked, because after a year I was no longer in pain. For another year or so I noticed that the right leg would get sore if it was held up too long, and so I would compensate, but for the last couple of years I've experienced no pain and the leg is fine being held in the air for long periods of time.

The healing of this injury baffles me, as I feel too shy to talk about it with anyone but I'm very curious about what was going on and why it has healed so well. Did my muscle just eventually get stronger and now it can hold that weight more easily? Did my stomach muscles strengthen so that I'm using those more instead of relying on my legs?

I wonder how many other women have experienced these silent injuries they don't feel they can talk about. Are there certain positions more prone to causing injury than others? Can women develop "traumatic masturbatory syndrome," and if so, how is it different than the male version, and what can we do to prevent it?

In my case, I don't think the missionary position would be considered an "unusual masturbation method" for women, yet I did develop an injury from it. I doubt it would fit the description of "traumatic masturbatory syndrome," but it does raise questions about masturbation injuries in general.

I have many friends who have injured themselves while having partner sex, and they go so far as to brag about it (a friend of mine broke his ribs while having sex in the shower!), but I don't know anyone who would brag about a masturbation injury. How about we start a trend?

"Hey, Jane, guess what? I sprained my wrist last night, but it was SO worth it. Best orgasm I've ever had!"

Weeds: Masturbation Lesson

Speaking of my last post...

Not as simple as a dirty sock

When I first discovered female ejaculate, I feared it was urine.

It took a women's-only masturbation mailing list to tell me that, no, the liquid wetting my bed while I enthusiastically inserted my vibrator was definitely NOT pee. At that point I had suspected as much, since my last experience was that I had run to the washroom right after masturbating, thinking, "Well, if I still have to pee..." The women on the mailing list confirmed it, and I've been struggling with how to pleasure myself regularly without ruining sheets and mattresses ever since.

Female masturbation is messy business. Men complain - brag, really - about how messy their own ejaculate is. There are numerous jokes about 'the wet spot' on the bed after partner sex, and I've known men to complain that they have to think about how to clean up after themselves after they jerk off. Well, hey, at least they can easily do so in the shower, or with a sock - those are some great solutions we've seen poked fun at in popular culture. And anyway, who says the wet spot on the bed came from a man?

The truth is, as a woman who ejaculates, our worries are much, much bigger and more pronounced. There are no raunchy movies with slap stick comedy scenes that, while potentially humiliating, might present me with a manageable solution to my ongoing problem. This topic isn't talked about in the wider culture. In fact, I don't think I've talked to anyone *ever* about this topic. So here I am, writing about it to myself on my own modest blog. You gotta start somewhere, right?

Actually, that's not true. I remember talking about this to some women on the masturbation mailing list. That was over 5 years ago now, and it died about 6 months after I got active, but other than some interesting talks with close friends, it serves as my only contact with other frank, masturbating females. To be honest, though, many of the women there intimidated me. If they were to be believed, they masturbated 20 times a day, were masturbating while talking to me right now, and if they did 'wet the bed' they reveled in it and weren't ashamed of the mess it made. No, it was cool, it was hot, and they didn't need to worry about it.

An admirable attitude, but in the practical day-to-day, give me a break. I'm not going to come all over my sheets and not wash them - so do I wash them once a day? I'm not going to come all over my mattress - what the hell do you do with that? Yuck. The stains that show my mistaken splashes are bad enough, let alone vigorously letting myself go at it as often as I want, whenever I want.

Maybe they didn't really know what I meant. Perhaps they thought I meant a teaspoon of liquid - annoying, perhaps, but not exactly alarming. No, no. I really do mean gushing torrents. I can soak half a large towel in a few minutes. Really. I am NOT doing that damage to my mattress!

So what has been my solution? I used to routinely drag out the trusty towel and a large plastic bag. Put the plastic bag down first, then the towel, and position myself accordingly. That would get most of the gush, and you just have a towel to clean in the morning.

I got tired of doing that regularly. Complicated by the fact that when I let myself gush - i.e. use the toy that gloriously targets my g-spot - I want to be LOUD, and that's very hard to hold back on even if you have housemates sleeping nearby. So the last few years I've let myself do this less and less, and it's frustrating. I settle on clitoral stimulation with a small vibrator, with some satisfying insertion, but it's not to the level that I need or desire.

So you can now better understand when I say: I am really envious of guys who can just jerk off in the shower and wash the mess away, or whip a sock over themselves and daintily hide the evidence in literal and metaphorical dirty laundry.

Achoo!

Masturbation as burp... or sneeze? (Read the comments too.)

Best t-shirt ever

Seen at Pride festivities in one of the largest cities in the U.S.:

Doctor approved

“Masturbation has never given anybody an STD, never gotten any girl pregnant… and you always know that you’re having sex with somebody you love.”

“We know that more than 70-80% of women masturbate, 90% of men masturbate, and the rest lie.”

- Dr. Joycelyn Elders, former US Surgeon General

High-class yoni

I don't know that I would pay $250 for a vibrator even if I was so -- ahem -- financially well-endowed. But I admit these limited-edition vibes designed by Tank Girl and Gorillaz artist Jamie Hewlett are pretty cool. (My favourite.)

Masturbation: more deadly than war

The funniest anti-fapping propaganda I've seen in a while:

[Masturbation] has even been documented to cause more deaths among boys in Europe than any plaque or war.

O RLY? And how does that work, exactly? LOL.

Seriously, read the whole article. Charmingly out-of-date and hysterically nonsensical. 98% of men masturbate, and many men die! And get cancer! Therefore: masturbation causes death, and cancer! IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

Ouch!

"In the second half of the nineteenth century, and over a period of ten years, the British surgeon Isaac Baker Brown performed clitoridectomies - removal of the clitoris - at his clinic, the London Surgical Home for the Reception of Gentlewomen and Female of Respectability Suffering from Curable Surgical Disorders. Science sanctioned these excisions using the convenient 'theory' that removing the clitoris could cure conditions as varied as incontinence, uterine haemorrhaging, hysteria, and mania brought on by masturbation.

While cutting out the clitoris was seen as one way of preventing women from masturbating, in the US, cornflakes king J.H. Kellogg had another remedy. He advocated pouring 'pure carbolic acid to the clitoris,' if girls would not stop pleasuring themselves. It is hard to imagine how anyone could have envisaged that such a cruel and damaging act could be in any way good or healthy for a person.

These attitudes toward the clitoris and female sexual pleasure were found elsewhere in the west. Swiss anti-masturbation doctor Tissot pushed propaganda claiming that female masturbation was responsible for clitoral scabbing, and other female 'problems'. According to him, these included vapours, hysteria, incurable jaundice and a uterine fury that, 'depriving them of their modesty and reason, reduced them to the level of the most lascivious of brutes'."

- Catherine Blackledge, The Story of V: Opening Pandora's Box. London: Wiedenfeld & Nicolson, 2003. [italics mine]

Top Masturbation Movies

I don't actually have a list. Yet.

But I just watched a movie which had some hysterically fabulous masturbation scenes. A married woman (Parker Posey) who's never had an orgasm gets her first vibrator. Later her husband (Paul Rudd) comes home to his wife's exhuberant screams, and he rushes up the stairs to the bedroom in a panic, thinking she's convulsing in pain. Then he stares in disbelief when he sees that his wife has finally achieved orgasm, just not with him. She completely ignores his presence, and he leaves, dejected. They break up soon after.

Later in the movie, she's become "addicted" to her vibrator. (That was one aspect I didn't like. What the hell does that mean?) She goes to a sex shop and buys 7 pairs of vibe underwear for each day of the week. In her car, she rigs them up to go "off" when she gets a cell phone call, and calls herself as a test, then giggles madly. She wears them to work (oops) and right in the middle of her Big Important Presentation, her husband is in an emotional nic fit and decides to call her over and over again. She convulses all over the boardroom of course, and everyone thinks she's sick. She assures them she has food poisoning and they buy it (really??). After she checks her messages, she realizes that her husband has finally given her an orgasm.

The movie is called The OH in Ohio. Get it?

What are your favourite nominees for Best Masturbation Movie? (Preferrably female, since that's much less represented, but interesting and thoughtful movies on male masturbation are welcome too.)

Let's get a list going! I'll add more here as I think of them.

Masturbate-A-Thon

May 26th is the 7th Annual Mastubate-A-Thon.

The event site will be divided into three areas: a place for women, for men and a mixed-gender room. Only part of each room will be webcasted to give privacy to those who are less exhibitionistic. For their efforts, the participants will be rewarded in categories ranging from Longest Time Spent Masturbating to Most Orgasms, with a new category added this year: Greatest Ejaculation Distance.

I live no where near San Francisco, but this sounds equal parts intriguing and horrifying. I love the idea of the rewards (hee!), but the thought of masturbating in front of other people... Wow. Not sure I could do that. It would be fascinating, but I have no idea if I'd get there and absolutely love it, or get cold feet and high tail it out of there. Likely the latter.

I'm curious whether the Masturbate-A-Thon is confined to that one event in SanFran only, or if everyone's encouraged to participate in their own bedrooms and backyards... 'Cause I can totally do that.

So true

Eighty to ninety percent of women never know what orgasm is. They can give birth to children; that is another thing. They can satisfy the man; that is also another thing. But they themselves are never satisfied. So, if you see such bitterness in woman all over the world - sadness, bitterness, frustration - it is natural. Their basic need is not fulfilled.

- OSHO, from Tantra, Spirituality, and Sex

I never thought I was cutting edge

Recently I made online friends with a woman who blogs about sex - very adventurous, kinky sex. We both share an interest in writing, and writing about our own (partnered and non-partnered) sex lives.

In a recent post, I was quite shocked to read how she was just starting to explore the art and supreme awesomeness of solo masturbation. She revealed how she felt guilty, to pleasure herself without her partner (though she had his full blessing) and that her puritan upbringing made her severely uncomfortable with the mere idea of masturbation. Her experiences so far have been gratifying, but still awkward and she's trying to grapple with why she feels this way and be comfortable exploring her own body without someone else present.

This was shocking to me because, well, I seem to be her polar opposite. Just as she is extremely experienced and confident and comfortable with partner sex and the many kinks that can be explored with another person, I am fantastically enthusiastic about my own private (VERY private, hah) sex life. But partner sex? Kinda freaks me out right now. I have recently figured out why - related to bad experiences that I will get into in a later post. Dating and relationships in general freak me out, so I'm sure those issues are related too. But then I see this confident experienced woman, and it bowls me over to realize not everyone is as gung-ho about masturbation as I am.

A related thought: I find it supremely weird that I feel less horrified at the thought of my roommates overhearing partner sex than solo sex. I honestly don't know why. Maybe because partner sex is less frequent (in my experience anyway) and there's an element of "Good for you!" pride. And I'm sure the shame that surrounds masturbation affects my attitude. Partner sex is definitely more valued and tolerated, and this makes me sad. Masturbation really is important, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Now if only I had the same attitude about partner sex. :)

Voulez-vous voyeur avec moi ce soir?

Is it exhibitionist if I imagine my face being videotaped while I masturbate, and that previous lovers/current crushes/random people who think I'm hot are watching?

Masturbation: a fact of life

Hi there. I'm just breaking this blog in. Not sure what to say, really. I have a lot of big ideas but I'll let my entries speak for themselves. In brief, I am a single woman hoping to practice my writing skills by posting about my sex life online.

How on earth does a single woman have a sex life, you may ask. No, I'm not into cheap sex and in fact it's been years since I've even remotely thought partner sex was a possibility. And I'm at peace with that. No, the sex I'm talking about here is what Betty Dodson calls "sex for one". The oft-not-talked-about, mysterious and taboo topic of female masturbation. We're taught to think that it's shameful and wrong (and that women don't do it at all!), but it's just a common part of every day life that should be no more mysterious or forbidden than taking a shower.

Some benefits of masturbation: it increases self-confidence and self-awareness; it is a great stress reliever; it's fabulous exercise (great for the stomach!); and it's a great way to get to know your body and what sexual activities you like best (which can then be experienced with a partner later). Best of all, you're not dependent on another person to fulfill this need. Just like most of our basic needs should be, we can satisfy ourselves and make ourselves happy; if another person comes along and adds even more to that pleasure, so much the better.

What are some other benefits of masturbation (male or female)? Post your thoughts in the comments.

Stay tuned! I plan to post many thoughtful essays on this topic. This is not a porn site by any means; I simply want a forum to discuss this topic in a straightforward, frank manner and help to demystify what I think is a very important issue. Human sexuality should not be taboo.