Recently I made online friends with a woman who blogs about sex - very adventurous, kinky sex. We both share an interest in writing, and writing about our own (partnered and non-partnered) sex lives.
In a recent post, I was quite shocked to read how she was just starting to explore the art and supreme awesomeness of solo masturbation. She revealed how she felt guilty, to pleasure herself without her partner (though she had his full blessing) and that her puritan upbringing made her severely uncomfortable with the mere idea of masturbation. Her experiences so far have been gratifying, but still awkward and she's trying to grapple with why she feels this way and be comfortable exploring her own body without someone else present.
This was shocking to me because, well, I seem to be her polar opposite. Just as she is extremely experienced and confident and comfortable with partner sex and the many kinks that can be explored with another person, I am fantastically enthusiastic about my own private (VERY private, hah) sex life. But partner sex? Kinda freaks me out right now. I have recently figured out why - related to bad experiences that I will get into in a later post. Dating and relationships in general freak me out, so I'm sure those issues are related too. But then I see this confident experienced woman, and it bowls me over to realize not everyone is as gung-ho about masturbation as I am.
A related thought: I find it supremely weird that I feel less horrified at the thought of my roommates overhearing partner sex than solo sex. I honestly don't know why. Maybe because partner sex is less frequent (in my experience anyway) and there's an element of "Good for you!" pride. And I'm sure the shame that surrounds masturbation affects my attitude. Partner sex is definitely more valued and tolerated, and this makes me sad. Masturbation really is important, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Now if only I had the same attitude about partner sex. :)
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5 comments:
I've experienced the same thing you're talking about, with the shame at being overheard masturbating versus being overheard having sex with someone. Although as a general rule I prefer not to be overheard doing either.. ;) I've tried very hard to not make any sounds with either since beginning to masturbate at home as a teenager, and then it was really reinforced in college when I accidentally kept my roommate up all night without realizing I was making any noise at all when I had a boy in our living room area. This was also reinforced by my years of marriage to a man who was never WITH me while we were having sex, but was entirely in his fantasies, and if I did anything to distract him from them, he would react badly. So, no noise, no deviation from the fixed pattern.
But anyway.. I think you've hit the nail on the head. As it were. :)
I've seen instances on movies and tv where someone is overheard having solo sex, and there's a very clear, strong message associated ranging from "OMG that's extremely sad" to "OMG she's SICK" with these scenes.
It's going to take a lot of work to make masturbation an acceptable thing. Especially female masturbation.
Ooh, which TV shows and movies had that 'masturbation as shameful' kick? I think I'm developing an interest in the pop cultural representation of self-pleasure. (See my latest post.) Purely an academic interest, of course. ;)
Why do you think female masturbation is so much more shameful than male masturbation? That's a rhetorical question I suppose. I'm sure it ties in with the shame surrounding female sexuality in general, and one could write reams and reams on that subject.
I think that's it exactly. It shouldn't be any more shameful than male masturbation. Yet somehow, it is. The societal message that women shouldn't be sexual creatures, but men should, is a big part of that, I'm guessing.
The only movie I can think of right at the moment is Single White Female. I was thinking of something else the other day, too, but I can't remember what it was at the moment! :)
I know the movie Not Another Teen Movie has female masturbation in it. Her parents catch her and it's seen as this very embarrassing and laughable thing (her vibrator is gigantic).
Ooh thank you! I'll have to check out that movie.
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