Not as simple as a dirty sock

When I first discovered female ejaculate, I feared it was urine.

It took a women's-only masturbation mailing list to tell me that, no, the liquid wetting my bed while I enthusiastically inserted my vibrator was definitely NOT pee. At that point I had suspected as much, since my last experience was that I had run to the washroom right after masturbating, thinking, "Well, if I still have to pee..." The women on the mailing list confirmed it, and I've been struggling with how to pleasure myself regularly without ruining sheets and mattresses ever since.

Female masturbation is messy business. Men complain - brag, really - about how messy their own ejaculate is. There are numerous jokes about 'the wet spot' on the bed after partner sex, and I've known men to complain that they have to think about how to clean up after themselves after they jerk off. Well, hey, at least they can easily do so in the shower, or with a sock - those are some great solutions we've seen poked fun at in popular culture. And anyway, who says the wet spot on the bed came from a man?

The truth is, as a woman who ejaculates, our worries are much, much bigger and more pronounced. There are no raunchy movies with slap stick comedy scenes that, while potentially humiliating, might present me with a manageable solution to my ongoing problem. This topic isn't talked about in the wider culture. In fact, I don't think I've talked to anyone *ever* about this topic. So here I am, writing about it to myself on my own modest blog. You gotta start somewhere, right?

Actually, that's not true. I remember talking about this to some women on the masturbation mailing list. That was over 5 years ago now, and it died about 6 months after I got active, but other than some interesting talks with close friends, it serves as my only contact with other frank, masturbating females. To be honest, though, many of the women there intimidated me. If they were to be believed, they masturbated 20 times a day, were masturbating while talking to me right now, and if they did 'wet the bed' they reveled in it and weren't ashamed of the mess it made. No, it was cool, it was hot, and they didn't need to worry about it.

An admirable attitude, but in the practical day-to-day, give me a break. I'm not going to come all over my sheets and not wash them - so do I wash them once a day? I'm not going to come all over my mattress - what the hell do you do with that? Yuck. The stains that show my mistaken splashes are bad enough, let alone vigorously letting myself go at it as often as I want, whenever I want.

Maybe they didn't really know what I meant. Perhaps they thought I meant a teaspoon of liquid - annoying, perhaps, but not exactly alarming. No, no. I really do mean gushing torrents. I can soak half a large towel in a few minutes. Really. I am NOT doing that damage to my mattress!

So what has been my solution? I used to routinely drag out the trusty towel and a large plastic bag. Put the plastic bag down first, then the towel, and position myself accordingly. That would get most of the gush, and you just have a towel to clean in the morning.

I got tired of doing that regularly. Complicated by the fact that when I let myself gush - i.e. use the toy that gloriously targets my g-spot - I want to be LOUD, and that's very hard to hold back on even if you have housemates sleeping nearby. So the last few years I've let myself do this less and less, and it's frustrating. I settle on clitoral stimulation with a small vibrator, with some satisfying insertion, but it's not to the level that I need or desire.

So you can now better understand when I say: I am really envious of guys who can just jerk off in the shower and wash the mess away, or whip a sock over themselves and daintily hide the evidence in literal and metaphorical dirty laundry.