It's been a while since my last post, I know. I've been kind of...overwhelmed with all the new feelings and sensations. Let's just say I have LOTS to post about, and yes even masturbation-related.
I've never really been good at understanding relationships, let alone how to pursue one and make one work. I have always been better at the fooling around part (meaning fooling around, not sex; I actually have very little experience with actual intercourse). The physical part just seems so much ... simpler to me. Straight-forward. Maybe part of that is that, even with low self-esteem, I've always recognized the feedback I have gotten from men that they find me to be pretty and sexually attractive. So maybe that helps to explain my confidence and comfort in that area. Perhaps other women have the opposite experience, feeling more confident in their ability to hold a conversation or 'woo' someone intellectually than feeling comfortable touching or holding or bumping nasties. And I am quite capable of holding conversations and wowing people with my intellectual prowess, but when it comes to people I am interested in, insecurity rears its ugly head. And so conversation becomes more stilted; he says things that hurt me and yet I bite my tongue and can't find the words to speak up for myself; I know I really like this person and I want to get to know them better, their thoughts and fears and opinions and joys. And yet I'd rather cuddle and fool around, because the talking is scarier, more fraught with complexities and maybe-this-won't-work-out and potential for failure.
This is the hard part.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Just add sex!
So, one of the premises of this blog of mine is that I have not had many two-person sexual experiences as of late, and so I find my own enjoyment and fulfilment in self-pleasuring. I did wonder what would happen to that premise when I started to date/fool around/have sex again. Probably not much, I figured, but it would definitely change the "story" here. But that's okay. Lives change, evolve. And seeing partner sex/fooling around from the perspective of someone who's relied on her own hand to regularly get her off for over a decade - well, I think that's pretty damn interesting too.
That all said - I have had a good weekend. :) Some observations:
1) The boy was really impressed with the way I moved my body, my pelvis, and was REALLY amazed at how incredibly wet I got. He said I was incredibly soft, and he just liked touching me there, that it was an amazing feeling. I've noticed that in myself before - the fact that I can become incredibly engorged and soft (it feels like petting a bunny's head, I've observed before). This doesn't happen all the time, but when I am REALLY turned on, which I guess means I like him. ;) But I never really thought about how I compared to other women. It is true that my level of wetness/softness (when I am *really* turned on) is another level beyond normal female wetness. I wonder if that's a level any woman can achieve, but due to sexual repression (etc) most haven't, or if I'm one of the special few. Like, most women don't squirt, but I do; is that something all women should be able to do if only they were comfortable enough to explore themselves that way? I don't know.
2) I was REALLY impressed with my flexibility and ease of movement. I've been doing a yoga CD lately that I give all the credit to. It's really light yoga, but it's like it gets out all the stiffness and creakiness. I also get really sore when I masturbate (like my favourite position - missionary, haha - exercises my stomach/leg muscles really well, and stresses my legs a bit), and was impressed that after a weekend of fooling around, my legs weren't sore. I guess it wasn't like I was in the same position for a whole hour, doing all the work myself.
3) At one point when he was (what's a less junior-high way of saying "fingering me"?), I reached down and started rubbing my clit. He grinned like a Cheshire cat, seriously, and kept saying how hot it was. Finally I asked why he thought it was so hot, and he said, "I like teamwork." After a moment's consideration, I told him, "I have more teamwork at home." Hee. He hasn't met my toys yet!
4) I really loved the physical touch and emotional closeness. That's something, obviously, which is missing from masturbation. (Though just the act of physically touching and emotionally being close to yourself would be revolutionary for many women, but I'm past that stage myself.) I would never give up self-loving for partner stuff (as if there needs to be a choice), but they make for GREAT compliments. Yum.
More observations may be forthcoming. There's a lot to process here for me. The boy, in general, was saying I was amazing with my sexual energy and how I moved, and asked me why I thought that was so. I said it was from years of masturbation, and maybe some natural talent. I know my body really well, and what I like. It's nice to get that feedback. I haven't actually been with someone that I've felt both comfortable with and attracted to, and certainly not since ... certain events in my life. So this is kind of amazing, to see how another person reacts to all my self-teaching and explorations.
That all said - I have had a good weekend. :) Some observations:
1) The boy was really impressed with the way I moved my body, my pelvis, and was REALLY amazed at how incredibly wet I got. He said I was incredibly soft, and he just liked touching me there, that it was an amazing feeling. I've noticed that in myself before - the fact that I can become incredibly engorged and soft (it feels like petting a bunny's head, I've observed before). This doesn't happen all the time, but when I am REALLY turned on, which I guess means I like him. ;) But I never really thought about how I compared to other women. It is true that my level of wetness/softness (when I am *really* turned on) is another level beyond normal female wetness. I wonder if that's a level any woman can achieve, but due to sexual repression (etc) most haven't, or if I'm one of the special few. Like, most women don't squirt, but I do; is that something all women should be able to do if only they were comfortable enough to explore themselves that way? I don't know.
2) I was REALLY impressed with my flexibility and ease of movement. I've been doing a yoga CD lately that I give all the credit to. It's really light yoga, but it's like it gets out all the stiffness and creakiness. I also get really sore when I masturbate (like my favourite position - missionary, haha - exercises my stomach/leg muscles really well, and stresses my legs a bit), and was impressed that after a weekend of fooling around, my legs weren't sore. I guess it wasn't like I was in the same position for a whole hour, doing all the work myself.
3) At one point when he was (what's a less junior-high way of saying "fingering me"?), I reached down and started rubbing my clit. He grinned like a Cheshire cat, seriously, and kept saying how hot it was. Finally I asked why he thought it was so hot, and he said, "I like teamwork." After a moment's consideration, I told him, "I have more teamwork at home." Hee. He hasn't met my toys yet!
4) I really loved the physical touch and emotional closeness. That's something, obviously, which is missing from masturbation. (Though just the act of physically touching and emotionally being close to yourself would be revolutionary for many women, but I'm past that stage myself.) I would never give up self-loving for partner stuff (as if there needs to be a choice), but they make for GREAT compliments. Yum.
More observations may be forthcoming. There's a lot to process here for me. The boy, in general, was saying I was amazing with my sexual energy and how I moved, and asked me why I thought that was so. I said it was from years of masturbation, and maybe some natural talent. I know my body really well, and what I like. It's nice to get that feedback. I haven't actually been with someone that I've felt both comfortable with and attracted to, and certainly not since ... certain events in my life. So this is kind of amazing, to see how another person reacts to all my self-teaching and explorations.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
"No thanks! I'm going home to masturbate!"
Oh my LOL, this video is awesome: The Midwest Teen Sex Show: Masturbation (Female)
"Masturbation: The Anti-Drug!" So true! In that solo sex makes you feel good, and with a high like that at your fingertips, who needs to go out in search of excitement or empty fulfilment? And I have GOT to use the line "No thanks! I'm going home to masturbate!" sometime soon...
(Iiiiiinteresting how, in their list of podcasts in the iTunes store, masturbation is the only censored word. It reads "m***********n."
Is that word really censored in iTunes? How sad.)
And here's the male version: Beatin' it.
"Masturbation: The Anti-Drug!" So true! In that solo sex makes you feel good, and with a high like that at your fingertips, who needs to go out in search of excitement or empty fulfilment? And I have GOT to use the line "No thanks! I'm going home to masturbate!" sometime soon...
(Iiiiiinteresting how, in their list of podcasts in the iTunes store, masturbation is the only censored word. It reads "m***********n."
Is that word really censored in iTunes? How sad.)
And here's the male version: Beatin' it.
The best relaxation exercise
There's a cultural stereotype that it's the guy who falls asleep after sex (showing him to be selfish and unconcerned for his partner) and that it's the woman who is looking for snuggles and post-coital reassurance and bonding. Not that I don't enjoy the former, but if my solo-sex is any indication, I myself am inclined to fall fast asleep after (mind-blowing, physically exhausting) sex, as well.
So it makes me giggle each time I fall asleep after masturbating (which if often). Like just now, I had the apartment to myself for a short time, so I took the opportunity to be loud (yay loud!). I positioned myself on the floor of my bedroom, instead of my bed, as the hard floor ensures a better 'workout,' forcing me to use my stomach and other muscles when I inevitably squirm around and flex and twist. And afterward, I just deflated. Think slow-motion head-falling-down, crashing on the carpet, head lolling, eyes shuttered asleep, still for finite moments. My entire body was relaxed.
I do these relaxation tapes a few times a week to try to teach my body to unwind (as, on some very deep level, my body is wound incredibly tightly and I've been trying to work on that). So a few times a week for 45 minutes I lay in my bed and concentrate on different parts of my body in an effort to relax. It helps, but I can never get each muscle to let go, to completely resist its normal impulse.
But after my climax just now? I fell down into a yoga-corpse position and my entire body just surrendered to the bliss of what I was feeling. My facial muscles especially felt like released elastic, gravity pulling them outwards and down, my own little mini-facelift. Those forehead muscles that I can never seem to relax feel completely supple right now. My back is also always very tight, and when I can finally fully relax, the little curve in my lower back completely flattens and my whole body feels heavy and like every pore is being weighted down.
What I normally (almost) achieve with a 45-minute tape, I achieved in about 15 minutes of jilling off. Not bad.
And that's why I sleep. Why not enjoy that feeling for as long as possible?
I suppose I wasn't exactly sleeping as I lay there, but I would forgive a partner for assuming so, as still and dreamy as I was. I would have been happy to nap for a few minutes or more (and often have), letting dreamscape fantasies fold me up into their arms and take me to a place of warmth and safety.
So it makes me giggle each time I fall asleep after masturbating (which if often). Like just now, I had the apartment to myself for a short time, so I took the opportunity to be loud (yay loud!). I positioned myself on the floor of my bedroom, instead of my bed, as the hard floor ensures a better 'workout,' forcing me to use my stomach and other muscles when I inevitably squirm around and flex and twist. And afterward, I just deflated. Think slow-motion head-falling-down, crashing on the carpet, head lolling, eyes shuttered asleep, still for finite moments. My entire body was relaxed.
I do these relaxation tapes a few times a week to try to teach my body to unwind (as, on some very deep level, my body is wound incredibly tightly and I've been trying to work on that). So a few times a week for 45 minutes I lay in my bed and concentrate on different parts of my body in an effort to relax. It helps, but I can never get each muscle to let go, to completely resist its normal impulse.
But after my climax just now? I fell down into a yoga-corpse position and my entire body just surrendered to the bliss of what I was feeling. My facial muscles especially felt like released elastic, gravity pulling them outwards and down, my own little mini-facelift. Those forehead muscles that I can never seem to relax feel completely supple right now. My back is also always very tight, and when I can finally fully relax, the little curve in my lower back completely flattens and my whole body feels heavy and like every pore is being weighted down.
What I normally (almost) achieve with a 45-minute tape, I achieved in about 15 minutes of jilling off. Not bad.
And that's why I sleep. Why not enjoy that feeling for as long as possible?
I suppose I wasn't exactly sleeping as I lay there, but I would forgive a partner for assuming so, as still and dreamy as I was. I would have been happy to nap for a few minutes or more (and often have), letting dreamscape fantasies fold me up into their arms and take me to a place of warmth and safety.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
In Search of Clit
In one of my retroactively amusing sex stories, I remember my high school boyfriend being quite shocked when I didn't go gaga over his targeting of my clit during oral sex. He'd dated a girl before me who loved that, and he thought he was in on some big secret - the ON switch for the female sex. He expected to drive me wild.
But this was years before my own sexual awakening; so I just lay there, wondering what the fuck he was so excited about. After a couple of minutes, he voiced frustration and gave up. "I don't get it," he'd say. "All women are supposed to love that." I shrugged, "It does nothing for me." I expect that posed a philosophical conundrum to him for years. He might still be chewing on that one, in fact.
What makes me so delighted at this memory now, is that I now LOVE clit play. I don't necessarily think he was doing anything "wrong" back then, but clearly something happened between the time I was with him (and other boys) and the night I brought home my first vibrator.
I had been at a Good Vibrations play party, like a tupperware party but with dildos and very giggly women. We were shown a number of sex toys, passed them around (we didn't try them out - it wasn't THAT kind of party) and bought items at the end of the night if we were interested. I was a poor student, so I didn't have the money for a purchase, but I did win the door prize - a tiny (thumb size) "bullet" vibrator. I didn't really see how such a small thing would do anything for me (for my usual sex toy at that time focused on insertion), but, hey, free! A friend lent me batteries from her disc man, and for that I am forever indebted.
Looking back, I often say thank GOD no one was home! Because almost instantaneously, once I touched the mini vibrator to my clitoris, I was screaming. I was absolutely gob smacked and wondered what the hell was going on, but I wasn't complaining. With almost no effort on my part (just the effort of holding the vibe there), my body was bucking and buckling and I couldn't help but scream my joy at these wonderful new sensations.
Now I actually have to work to orgasm - rubbing my clit with the vibe, twisting my hips. It's a great workout, really. But that first night was truly amazing because I really didn't move the vibe at all. It just sat there, and I was fucking going batshit nuts. Beautiful stuff.
And so I think back to my high school boyfriend and laugh. If only he knew. Poor guy.
But this was years before my own sexual awakening; so I just lay there, wondering what the fuck he was so excited about. After a couple of minutes, he voiced frustration and gave up. "I don't get it," he'd say. "All women are supposed to love that." I shrugged, "It does nothing for me." I expect that posed a philosophical conundrum to him for years. He might still be chewing on that one, in fact.
What makes me so delighted at this memory now, is that I now LOVE clit play. I don't necessarily think he was doing anything "wrong" back then, but clearly something happened between the time I was with him (and other boys) and the night I brought home my first vibrator.
I had been at a Good Vibrations play party, like a tupperware party but with dildos and very giggly women. We were shown a number of sex toys, passed them around (we didn't try them out - it wasn't THAT kind of party) and bought items at the end of the night if we were interested. I was a poor student, so I didn't have the money for a purchase, but I did win the door prize - a tiny (thumb size) "bullet" vibrator. I didn't really see how such a small thing would do anything for me (for my usual sex toy at that time focused on insertion), but, hey, free! A friend lent me batteries from her disc man, and for that I am forever indebted.
Looking back, I often say thank GOD no one was home! Because almost instantaneously, once I touched the mini vibrator to my clitoris, I was screaming. I was absolutely gob smacked and wondered what the hell was going on, but I wasn't complaining. With almost no effort on my part (just the effort of holding the vibe there), my body was bucking and buckling and I couldn't help but scream my joy at these wonderful new sensations.
Now I actually have to work to orgasm - rubbing my clit with the vibe, twisting my hips. It's a great workout, really. But that first night was truly amazing because I really didn't move the vibe at all. It just sat there, and I was fucking going batshit nuts. Beautiful stuff.
And so I think back to my high school boyfriend and laugh. If only he knew. Poor guy.
Sealed with a kiss
Sometimes I masturbate to reinforce a decision I've made. In that way, it's kind of like a prayer or some message to my subconscious or the universe - that I'm committed to this change of mind and I'm directing my intense sexual energy via this orgasm toward the fulfilment of it.
Today my commitment was toward not being such a schmuck when it comes to cute guys - to not be so tongue-tied around a crush to the point where I bolt from the room even when I have the PERFECT opportunity to talk to them. Guy who's interested in me? *flees* I'm sick of that pattern, and ready to embrace the big, scary world of opening myself up to another person. I am NOT in junior high anymore, and there's no crowd of tittering guy friends who are going to laugh when he tells them how lame I am.
I really, really would like to open my bedroom up to someone else at some point. So I prayed to the universe to let me no longer be afraid of my own sexuality in relation to another; to be calm and relatively collected around a crush; to let myself be vulnerable by actively inviting another person into my life, for however brief an instant.
And the orgasm? Fucking amazing. This shit works.
Today my commitment was toward not being such a schmuck when it comes to cute guys - to not be so tongue-tied around a crush to the point where I bolt from the room even when I have the PERFECT opportunity to talk to them. Guy who's interested in me? *flees* I'm sick of that pattern, and ready to embrace the big, scary world of opening myself up to another person. I am NOT in junior high anymore, and there's no crowd of tittering guy friends who are going to laugh when he tells them how lame I am.
I really, really would like to open my bedroom up to someone else at some point. So I prayed to the universe to let me no longer be afraid of my own sexuality in relation to another; to be calm and relatively collected around a crush; to let myself be vulnerable by actively inviting another person into my life, for however brief an instant.
And the orgasm? Fucking amazing. This shit works.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The first lovemaking skill we need to acquire
[Nina Hartley, in her "Guide to Total Sex,"] says while we were born with the urge to masturbate, we weren't born knowing how. Masturbation is the first lovemaking skill we need to acquire.
"To become proficient at masturbation, you must familiarize yourself with your anatomy and its responses. Touch your genitals as often as you can. You're a grown-up now, and as long as you do so in private, there's no one to tell you not to," she says.
The better you know your body, the easier it will be to communicate to your partner what you like. And if you can't tell your partner, then show them.
"Guide their hands over your body, or let them see you masturbate. No one can do it quite the way you do. You know when, where, and how much pressure to apply, and they don't. But if you can teach them, it's always nice to be touched by someone else," says Brian Parker, who has a PhD in human sexuality.
Masturbation can also help to balance mismatched libidos in a marriage, serving as a night off for the person who doesn't want to have sex, he adds.
Masturbation may also decrease stress, increase relaxation and help you sleep better. It's also the safest sex there is, giving you 100 per cent protection from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
Says Parker: "Just like an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a Jack-off or Jill-off a day will keep the sex doc away."
As quoted here.
This is the part that I agree with most fervently: "Masturbation can also help to balance mismatched libidos in a marriage, serving as a night off for the person who doesn't want to have sex."
I have friends in serious, committed relationships who are deliriously unhappy and depressed about the sex they have with their partner. In the words of one friend, she loves her boyfriend and would take an intelligent man with a lousy sex drive over a dumbo who could fuck her sideways, but she still longs for good sex.
My suggestion? Take matters into your own hands, of course. But she was scandalized, she couldn't do that, how insulting would that be to her boyfriend?
Maybe I've just been single for way too long. But you know what? If you want to get off, get off. If your partner is sensitive about it, you might not want to pull out the dildo immediately after sex while sighing, "Well, that sucked." But surely you can do it alone, or have a frank talk with your partner, or just flirtily suggest a "new" sexual activity for you guys to try.
There is absolutely no way that I will be restricting my own self-love when I start dating regularly again. Even if I'm living with someone, I would be quite happy to say, "You have a headache? No problem at all. I'm really horny though, so I can go at it in here or the other room. What is your preference?" I can try to be quiet if they really have a headache. I'm not cruel.
But there's NO WAY I'm sacrificing regular, yummy orgasms under any circumstances. And the great thing about regular, awesome masturbation is that if I find someone who's amazing - but not quite the best in bed - I don't have to suffer. Or pressure them to please me. I can try to teach, but no big deal if they don't fully catch up to speed.
And anyway, the person I would want to be with would be open to experimentation and would certainly be thrilled to observe or at least respect my desire. I haven't tried this yet, but I even suspect that partner sex and solo sex are both great in their own, individual ways - and the best sex life is comprised of both.
In any case, be sure to live la vida voca!
Appointment masturbation
It's finally sunk in that my roommate has classes on Tuesday and Wednesday nights this semester. Today I had rather a flirtatious encounter that had me fantasizing all afternoon. When I got home, I wondered where my roommate was, and then it hit - EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! The apartment is FREE for me to do with what I like for a few hours. Twice a week. Each week for the next few months.
I am going to be a VERY happy girl this spring.
I am going to be a VERY happy girl this spring.
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