It's been a while since my last post, I know. I've been kind of...overwhelmed with all the new feelings and sensations. Let's just say I have LOTS to post about, and yes even masturbation-related.
I've never really been good at understanding relationships, let alone how to pursue one and make one work. I have always been better at the fooling around part (meaning fooling around, not sex; I actually have very little experience with actual intercourse). The physical part just seems so much ... simpler to me. Straight-forward. Maybe part of that is that, even with low self-esteem, I've always recognized the feedback I have gotten from men that they find me to be pretty and sexually attractive. So maybe that helps to explain my confidence and comfort in that area. Perhaps other women have the opposite experience, feeling more confident in their ability to hold a conversation or 'woo' someone intellectually than feeling comfortable touching or holding or bumping nasties. And I am quite capable of holding conversations and wowing people with my intellectual prowess, but when it comes to people I am interested in, insecurity rears its ugly head. And so conversation becomes more stilted; he says things that hurt me and yet I bite my tongue and can't find the words to speak up for myself; I know I really like this person and I want to get to know them better, their thoughts and fears and opinions and joys. And yet I'd rather cuddle and fool around, because the talking is scarier, more fraught with complexities and maybe-this-won't-work-out and potential for failure.
This is the hard part.
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