In Search of Clit

In one of my retroactively amusing sex stories, I remember my high school boyfriend being quite shocked when I didn't go gaga over his targeting of my clit during oral sex. He'd dated a girl before me who loved that, and he thought he was in on some big secret - the ON switch for the female sex. He expected to drive me wild.

But this was years before my own sexual awakening; so I just lay there, wondering what the fuck he was so excited about. After a couple of minutes, he voiced frustration and gave up. "I don't get it," he'd say. "All women are supposed to love that." I shrugged, "It does nothing for me." I expect that posed a philosophical conundrum to him for years. He might still be chewing on that one, in fact.

What makes me so delighted at this memory now, is that I now LOVE clit play. I don't necessarily think he was doing anything "wrong" back then, but clearly something happened between the time I was with him (and other boys) and the night I brought home my first vibrator.

I had been at a Good Vibrations play party, like a tupperware party but with dildos and very giggly women. We were shown a number of sex toys, passed them around (we didn't try them out - it wasn't THAT kind of party) and bought items at the end of the night if we were interested. I was a poor student, so I didn't have the money for a purchase, but I did win the door prize - a tiny (thumb size) "bullet" vibrator. I didn't really see how such a small thing would do anything for me (for my usual sex toy at that time focused on insertion), but, hey, free! A friend lent me batteries from her disc man, and for that I am forever indebted.

Looking back, I often say thank GOD no one was home! Because almost instantaneously, once I touched the mini vibrator to my clitoris, I was screaming. I was absolutely gob smacked and wondered what the hell was going on, but I wasn't complaining. With almost no effort on my part (just the effort of holding the vibe there), my body was bucking and buckling and I couldn't help but scream my joy at these wonderful new sensations.

Now I actually have to work to orgasm - rubbing my clit with the vibe, twisting my hips. It's a great workout, really. But that first night was truly amazing because I really didn't move the vibe at all. It just sat there, and I was fucking going batshit nuts. Beautiful stuff.

And so I think back to my high school boyfriend and laugh. If only he knew. Poor guy.

Sealed with a kiss

Sometimes I masturbate to reinforce a decision I've made. In that way, it's kind of like a prayer or some message to my subconscious or the universe - that I'm committed to this change of mind and I'm directing my intense sexual energy via this orgasm toward the fulfilment of it.

Today my commitment was toward not being such a schmuck when it comes to cute guys - to not be so tongue-tied around a crush to the point where I bolt from the room even when I have the PERFECT opportunity to talk to them. Guy who's interested in me? *flees* I'm sick of that pattern, and ready to embrace the big, scary world of opening myself up to another person. I am NOT in junior high anymore, and there's no crowd of tittering guy friends who are going to laugh when he tells them how lame I am.

I really, really would like to open my bedroom up to someone else at some point. So I prayed to the universe to let me no longer be afraid of my own sexuality in relation to another; to be calm and relatively collected around a crush; to let myself be vulnerable by actively inviting another person into my life, for however brief an instant.

And the orgasm? Fucking amazing. This shit works.

The first lovemaking skill we need to acquire

[Nina Hartley, in her "Guide to Total Sex,"] says while we were born with the urge to masturbate, we weren't born knowing how. Masturbation is the first lovemaking skill we need to acquire.

"To become proficient at masturbation, you must familiarize yourself with your anatomy and its responses. Touch your genitals as often as you can. You're a grown-up now, and as long as you do so in private, there's no one to tell you not to," she says.

The better you know your body, the easier it will be to communicate to your partner what you like. And if you can't tell your partner, then show them.

"Guide their hands over your body, or let them see you masturbate. No one can do it quite the way you do. You know when, where, and how much pressure to apply, and they don't. But if you can teach them, it's always nice to be touched by someone else," says Brian Parker, who has a PhD in human sexuality.

Masturbation can also help to balance mismatched libidos in a marriage, serving as a night off for the person who doesn't want to have sex, he adds.

Masturbation may also decrease stress, increase relaxation and help you sleep better. It's also the safest sex there is, giving you 100 per cent protection from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Says Parker: "Just like an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a Jack-off or Jill-off a day will keep the sex doc away."

As quoted here.

This is the part that I agree with most fervently: "Masturbation can also help to balance mismatched libidos in a marriage, serving as a night off for the person who doesn't want to have sex."

I have friends in serious, committed relationships who are deliriously unhappy and depressed about the sex they have with their partner. In the words of one friend, she loves her boyfriend and would take an intelligent man with a lousy sex drive over a dumbo who could fuck her sideways, but she still longs for good sex.

My suggestion? Take matters into your own hands, of course. But she was scandalized, she couldn't do that, how insulting would that be to her boyfriend?

Maybe I've just been single for way too long. But you know what? If you want to get off, get off. If your partner is sensitive about it, you might not want to pull out the dildo immediately after sex while sighing, "Well, that sucked." But surely you can do it alone, or have a frank talk with your partner, or just flirtily suggest a "new" sexual activity for you guys to try.

There is absolutely no way that I will be restricting my own self-love when I start dating regularly again. Even if I'm living with someone, I would be quite happy to say, "You have a headache? No problem at all. I'm really horny though, so I can go at it in here or the other room. What is your preference?" I can try to be quiet if they really have a headache. I'm not cruel.

But there's NO WAY I'm sacrificing regular, yummy orgasms under any circumstances. And the great thing about regular, awesome masturbation is that if I find someone who's amazing - but not quite the best in bed - I don't have to suffer. Or pressure them to please me. I can try to teach, but no big deal if they don't fully catch up to speed.

And anyway, the person I would want to be with would be open to experimentation and would certainly be thrilled to observe or at least respect my desire. I haven't tried this yet, but I even suspect that partner sex and solo sex are both great in their own, individual ways - and the best sex life is comprised of both.

In any case, be sure to live la vida voca!

Appointment masturbation

It's finally sunk in that my roommate has classes on Tuesday and Wednesday nights this semester. Today I had rather a flirtatious encounter that had me fantasizing all afternoon. When I got home, I wondered where my roommate was, and then it hit - EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! The apartment is FREE for me to do with what I like for a few hours. Twice a week. Each week for the next few months.

I am going to be a VERY happy girl this spring.