It's been a while since my last post, I know. I've been kind of...overwhelmed with all the new feelings and sensations. Let's just say I have LOTS to post about, and yes even masturbation-related.
I've never really been good at understanding relationships, let alone how to pursue one and make one work. I have always been better at the fooling around part (meaning fooling around, not sex; I actually have very little experience with actual intercourse). The physical part just seems so much ... simpler to me. Straight-forward. Maybe part of that is that, even with low self-esteem, I've always recognized the feedback I have gotten from men that they find me to be pretty and sexually attractive. So maybe that helps to explain my confidence and comfort in that area. Perhaps other women have the opposite experience, feeling more confident in their ability to hold a conversation or 'woo' someone intellectually than feeling comfortable touching or holding or bumping nasties. And I am quite capable of holding conversations and wowing people with my intellectual prowess, but when it comes to people I am interested in, insecurity rears its ugly head. And so conversation becomes more stilted; he says things that hurt me and yet I bite my tongue and can't find the words to speak up for myself; I know I really like this person and I want to get to know them better, their thoughts and fears and opinions and joys. And yet I'd rather cuddle and fool around, because the talking is scarier, more fraught with complexities and maybe-this-won't-work-out and potential for failure.
This is the hard part.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Just add sex!
So, one of the premises of this blog of mine is that I have not had many two-person sexual experiences as of late, and so I find my own enjoyment and fulfilment in self-pleasuring. I did wonder what would happen to that premise when I started to date/fool around/have sex again. Probably not much, I figured, but it would definitely change the "story" here. But that's okay. Lives change, evolve. And seeing partner sex/fooling around from the perspective of someone who's relied on her own hand to regularly get her off for over a decade - well, I think that's pretty damn interesting too.
That all said - I have had a good weekend. :) Some observations:
1) The boy was really impressed with the way I moved my body, my pelvis, and was REALLY amazed at how incredibly wet I got. He said I was incredibly soft, and he just liked touching me there, that it was an amazing feeling. I've noticed that in myself before - the fact that I can become incredibly engorged and soft (it feels like petting a bunny's head, I've observed before). This doesn't happen all the time, but when I am REALLY turned on, which I guess means I like him. ;) But I never really thought about how I compared to other women. It is true that my level of wetness/softness (when I am *really* turned on) is another level beyond normal female wetness. I wonder if that's a level any woman can achieve, but due to sexual repression (etc) most haven't, or if I'm one of the special few. Like, most women don't squirt, but I do; is that something all women should be able to do if only they were comfortable enough to explore themselves that way? I don't know.
2) I was REALLY impressed with my flexibility and ease of movement. I've been doing a yoga CD lately that I give all the credit to. It's really light yoga, but it's like it gets out all the stiffness and creakiness. I also get really sore when I masturbate (like my favourite position - missionary, haha - exercises my stomach/leg muscles really well, and stresses my legs a bit), and was impressed that after a weekend of fooling around, my legs weren't sore. I guess it wasn't like I was in the same position for a whole hour, doing all the work myself.
3) At one point when he was (what's a less junior-high way of saying "fingering me"?), I reached down and started rubbing my clit. He grinned like a Cheshire cat, seriously, and kept saying how hot it was. Finally I asked why he thought it was so hot, and he said, "I like teamwork." After a moment's consideration, I told him, "I have more teamwork at home." Hee. He hasn't met my toys yet!
4) I really loved the physical touch and emotional closeness. That's something, obviously, which is missing from masturbation. (Though just the act of physically touching and emotionally being close to yourself would be revolutionary for many women, but I'm past that stage myself.) I would never give up self-loving for partner stuff (as if there needs to be a choice), but they make for GREAT compliments. Yum.
More observations may be forthcoming. There's a lot to process here for me. The boy, in general, was saying I was amazing with my sexual energy and how I moved, and asked me why I thought that was so. I said it was from years of masturbation, and maybe some natural talent. I know my body really well, and what I like. It's nice to get that feedback. I haven't actually been with someone that I've felt both comfortable with and attracted to, and certainly not since ... certain events in my life. So this is kind of amazing, to see how another person reacts to all my self-teaching and explorations.
That all said - I have had a good weekend. :) Some observations:
1) The boy was really impressed with the way I moved my body, my pelvis, and was REALLY amazed at how incredibly wet I got. He said I was incredibly soft, and he just liked touching me there, that it was an amazing feeling. I've noticed that in myself before - the fact that I can become incredibly engorged and soft (it feels like petting a bunny's head, I've observed before). This doesn't happen all the time, but when I am REALLY turned on, which I guess means I like him. ;) But I never really thought about how I compared to other women. It is true that my level of wetness/softness (when I am *really* turned on) is another level beyond normal female wetness. I wonder if that's a level any woman can achieve, but due to sexual repression (etc) most haven't, or if I'm one of the special few. Like, most women don't squirt, but I do; is that something all women should be able to do if only they were comfortable enough to explore themselves that way? I don't know.
2) I was REALLY impressed with my flexibility and ease of movement. I've been doing a yoga CD lately that I give all the credit to. It's really light yoga, but it's like it gets out all the stiffness and creakiness. I also get really sore when I masturbate (like my favourite position - missionary, haha - exercises my stomach/leg muscles really well, and stresses my legs a bit), and was impressed that after a weekend of fooling around, my legs weren't sore. I guess it wasn't like I was in the same position for a whole hour, doing all the work myself.
3) At one point when he was (what's a less junior-high way of saying "fingering me"?), I reached down and started rubbing my clit. He grinned like a Cheshire cat, seriously, and kept saying how hot it was. Finally I asked why he thought it was so hot, and he said, "I like teamwork." After a moment's consideration, I told him, "I have more teamwork at home." Hee. He hasn't met my toys yet!
4) I really loved the physical touch and emotional closeness. That's something, obviously, which is missing from masturbation. (Though just the act of physically touching and emotionally being close to yourself would be revolutionary for many women, but I'm past that stage myself.) I would never give up self-loving for partner stuff (as if there needs to be a choice), but they make for GREAT compliments. Yum.
More observations may be forthcoming. There's a lot to process here for me. The boy, in general, was saying I was amazing with my sexual energy and how I moved, and asked me why I thought that was so. I said it was from years of masturbation, and maybe some natural talent. I know my body really well, and what I like. It's nice to get that feedback. I haven't actually been with someone that I've felt both comfortable with and attracted to, and certainly not since ... certain events in my life. So this is kind of amazing, to see how another person reacts to all my self-teaching and explorations.
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