The first lovemaking skill we need to acquire

[Nina Hartley, in her "Guide to Total Sex,"] says while we were born with the urge to masturbate, we weren't born knowing how. Masturbation is the first lovemaking skill we need to acquire.

"To become proficient at masturbation, you must familiarize yourself with your anatomy and its responses. Touch your genitals as often as you can. You're a grown-up now, and as long as you do so in private, there's no one to tell you not to," she says.

The better you know your body, the easier it will be to communicate to your partner what you like. And if you can't tell your partner, then show them.

"Guide their hands over your body, or let them see you masturbate. No one can do it quite the way you do. You know when, where, and how much pressure to apply, and they don't. But if you can teach them, it's always nice to be touched by someone else," says Brian Parker, who has a PhD in human sexuality.

Masturbation can also help to balance mismatched libidos in a marriage, serving as a night off for the person who doesn't want to have sex, he adds.

Masturbation may also decrease stress, increase relaxation and help you sleep better. It's also the safest sex there is, giving you 100 per cent protection from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Says Parker: "Just like an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a Jack-off or Jill-off a day will keep the sex doc away."

As quoted here.

This is the part that I agree with most fervently: "Masturbation can also help to balance mismatched libidos in a marriage, serving as a night off for the person who doesn't want to have sex."

I have friends in serious, committed relationships who are deliriously unhappy and depressed about the sex they have with their partner. In the words of one friend, she loves her boyfriend and would take an intelligent man with a lousy sex drive over a dumbo who could fuck her sideways, but she still longs for good sex.

My suggestion? Take matters into your own hands, of course. But she was scandalized, she couldn't do that, how insulting would that be to her boyfriend?

Maybe I've just been single for way too long. But you know what? If you want to get off, get off. If your partner is sensitive about it, you might not want to pull out the dildo immediately after sex while sighing, "Well, that sucked." But surely you can do it alone, or have a frank talk with your partner, or just flirtily suggest a "new" sexual activity for you guys to try.

There is absolutely no way that I will be restricting my own self-love when I start dating regularly again. Even if I'm living with someone, I would be quite happy to say, "You have a headache? No problem at all. I'm really horny though, so I can go at it in here or the other room. What is your preference?" I can try to be quiet if they really have a headache. I'm not cruel.

But there's NO WAY I'm sacrificing regular, yummy orgasms under any circumstances. And the great thing about regular, awesome masturbation is that if I find someone who's amazing - but not quite the best in bed - I don't have to suffer. Or pressure them to please me. I can try to teach, but no big deal if they don't fully catch up to speed.

And anyway, the person I would want to be with would be open to experimentation and would certainly be thrilled to observe or at least respect my desire. I haven't tried this yet, but I even suspect that partner sex and solo sex are both great in their own, individual ways - and the best sex life is comprised of both.

In any case, be sure to live la vida voca!